Mall Madness

Shopping fun with Thing 1 and Thing 2.  It was supposed to be a short trip to buy a birthday gift for Thing 1's bestie's birthday party tomorrow.  Um....yea....right...short...

Shopping excursion started at Toys R Us.  We came up with several good ideas, but Thing 1 has always had that shopping gene.  And since we were shopping for her very best friend, well, things had to be PERFECT.  Perfection didn't come from Toys R Us.  What DID come from Toys R Us was her backpack for kindergarten.  I really wanted a "nice" one that all the other moms would be jealous of, even had it picked out (Hello, Thirty-One!) but then the @$%^ Princesses had to blow that for me, of course. 

It was the only thing I had going--Mommy would get a pretty, "big girl" backpack.  But Rapunzel apparently speaks to Thing 1.  She called to her, and she dropped it on me: "Mom, seriously, I'm going to be in kindergarten.  I'm big enough to pick out my own backpack, you are embarrassing me."  How do I argue with that?  She's right, but not even for reasons she can fathom.  She's my first to go to school, I thought I was ready.  And I know it will be fine--but I'm due a little time to freak out.  She doesn't need me to pick out her backpack today, what's next?  She doesn't want hugs and kisses and cuddles?  She doesn't want me to pick her hair color?  Decide if she can get her belly button pierced? 

Alas, I survived a genuine panic attack.  I think, anyway.

On to the mall, to Target.  I suggested we eat first.  NO.  Not possible.  But about halfway thru?  We start whining and crying that we are starving.  Of course.  So we find an acceptable gift.  But only because one doll is named Delacey.  I'm totally serious.  Not that we have a complex or anything.

Dinner at Panera.  20 minute break while Thing 2 went #2.  I'm serious, public bathrooms are her thing.  It grosses me out more than I can even tell you.

I decide to swing into a shoe store to find a new pair of flipflops.  As a gift to myself for my impending date of birth celebration.

I swear I will never be one of those parents who apes out on a kid in public.  But...in the shoe store, fighting with a big, sweaty lady who was looking thru sale shoes and wanted the same size as me?  Thing 1 thought it the perfect time to lift up my skirt.  The store was busy.  And my ass was pointed toward the door of the mall.  Every ounce in my body wanted to literally beat her with that stick.  To add insult to injury, as I turn to slap my skirt down and maybe accidentally her hand with it?  I dropped my hold on the pair of shoes I wanted and the other "kind soul" picked them up and took off with them to the cash register.

I had complete intentions of leaving the mall right then. And I should have.

Tromping back thru Target, with two girls in "Mall time out", I got sidetracked.  Since I didn't get shoes, maybe I could find something cute and cheap for the date of birth celebration dinner.  As I picked up three simple things to try on, somehow Thing 1 found a...something.  It was like the top half of a prom dress, I have no idea what the @#$% it really was.  A blouse?  I can't imagine it was THAT short of a dress, but who knows, maybe?  She insisted on trying it on while I was trying on my items.

Fine.

My stuff looked much better on the hanger, usually the case when I'm actually WANTING to find new clothes.  So, being a silly smart-a**?  I decided to put the little purple pretty thing on.

It was a size 5.  I wore a size 5 to my Junior Prom.  I remember that because I was soooo proud. 

I got the thing over my head, my shoulders (it was strapless) and somewhat situated over my "not size 5" bosom.  Thing 1 finally noticed, Thing 2 joined in laughing, it was a great moment.  Solid bonding.

It was a pretty snug fit.  So I expected to struggle, to wiggle.  But it was stuck like chuck.  Not budging.  Not even a little.

Thing 1 thought this was hysterical.  And it was.  Thing 2 just kept pointing and laughing, together they were laughing so loud the little clerk girl came and knocked on the door to see that everything was "going ok."

HELL NO, but seriously--what was I going to tell her?  I was in my skivvies, with this tiny shirt/dress stuck on my DD's. 

I got tickled.  We all three laughed for about three solid minutes, and then I realized--this really was not funny.  This thing was seriously stuck.  Badly.  As in, I might have to rip it off to get out of it.  Suddenly?  It was not funny.  At all.  In fact, it was pretty rock bottom for me, a new low.  Healthy lifestyle is back ON.  Hardcore.  Starting immediately.

But first, I had to enlist help.  From a 5-year old.  Who likes to tell stories to everyone.  For this, I would pay dearly.

As I sat on the floor of the dressing room (aka panel dividers) in Target, my firstborn pulled and tugged while I wiggled, trying to free myself from this size 5 Chinese trap.  FINALLY, it moved a tiny smidge, then a smidge more and Thing 1 freed me from my purple prison. 

As we busted it out of Target, Thing 1 finally says, "Here is what we learned tonight.  If you are going to try something on, make sure you can get it off.  Otherwise it could be a really bad deal."

Of course, there was a lady and her daughter walking in front of us, shoulders shaking, taking in every word.  She turned around and said, "You are one smart little girl."  And then to me? "Don't worry, we've all been there."

I don't think so, lady.  But thanks.

Girls Night Out

Spontaneity.  It's important in relationships.  Personally, I think it is important in relationships with children as well.  It's teaching them a great lesson.  Right?

Tonight, the Onceler was called to duty by the office to deliver a "left behind" piece of furniture, leaving Thing 1 and Thing 2 and I to fend for ourselves.  I'm a big fan of "girls nights" and luckily, so are they.  So I called one on the spot.

My awesome in-laws delivered the Things to the office where we were all going to hit dinner on the hub's way out of town.  SURPRISE--he had to leave earlier than initially expected.  Things begged for Chipotle, and if you know me, you know they didn't have to twist my arm too badly.

Thing 2 has a "thing" for public bathrooms.  I think she is punishing me because I used to nurse her in bathrooms when she was an infant.  I wasn't the "whip it out" kind of mom.  So, of course, she HAD to go at Chipotle, despite my threats that she'd better go a LOT or else.  Of course she didn't have to.  But we now know she can reach the sink by herself AND the soap, an improvement from our last Chipotle trip.

Because our Chipotle is beside Baskin Robbins, you must know the second leg of our evening tour. Interestingly enough, Thing 1 gets the nastiest kind of ice cream possible--Daiquiri Ice.  I swear, it's frozen tequila.  And she loves it.  I'm pretty sure this is a bad sign.

Thing 2 gets the brightest color "something" she can find, and after two bites, announces to the whole store she has to poop.  Of course.  She insisted she wanted to go by herself at first, and at first, I was going to let her--it's a small store.  Just when I decided to step in the bathroom and check it out?  She was just before  sitting down on the URINAL when I opened the door.  Ever tried to explain what that is and why little girls can't use it to a 3-year old?  I highly recommend you think it thru before you judge me any further.

Alas, we survive BR and decide to make an extra stop before we make it home.  It's hot, I'm a cool mom, so I suggest the spray park.  The girls were ecstatic.  They thought my "out of nowhere" idea was about the best thing ever-and even more fun because it was a surprise for us all. 

So I, in my work clothes, and they in their shorts
head in to the spray park to get wet, of course.

At first, it was cute and funny.  They were having a blast.  So I started snapping pictures on my phone.

So we played the WT family, with no bathing suits.  And no towels.  I realized we would have to go home at some point and the soaked clothing could present an issue.  But that would be later so "future me" would take care of it.  I went back to snapping pictures.

Thing 1 discovered quite the "trick" of wearing a dress and the fountains.  Or a preview of 25 years in the future when her water breaks.

Finally, time had marched far enough and it was time to leave.  Apparently, the blanket that is always in my trunk with which I had planned to dry off the Things?  Yup, it got taken out of the car. 

I had two soaked, dripping children and all I could find in the car?  An apron, leftover from Vacation Bible School.  Obviously there was a higher purpose that knew this day would soon come, else I would have already removed it, right?

Thing 1 and Thing 2 were dried off with an apron in the parking lot.  And then I did the only thing left to do--I stripped them down and strapped them into their car seats, buck naked. 

After they had properly questioned me as to what would happen if a policeman pulled us over, I drove very carefully home so they could streak around the yard "because it's fun to be naked."

Sure, it was a new low.  Sure, the Oncelot will have heart failure when he reads this.  Sure, the doorbell is ringing and it's likely DFS.  BUT...tonight?  I'm the fun mom and they are happy I belong to them, so they say.

That's what I call a GREAT girls night out!

Hundred Acre Woods

I took Thing 2 to see the new Winnie the Pooh movie on Friday.  She has been reminding me daily for about a month that we were going to see it--just us two (no Thing 1), as a date.  If you didn't know me in my younger years, you must know that I had a slight obsession with Winnie the Pooh.  He's cute, ok?  I used to have quite a collection.  I once decided I would make my entire kitchen Winnie the Pooh...but then I met the Onceler and he made fun of me. and my obsession.  So I resigned to Classic Pooh for Thing 1's nursery.

I think it may have scarred her.  She has NEVER been a fan, at all.  When discussing going to the movie, this became apparent when she asked why he is called Winnie the Pooh instead of Winnie the Pee.  It worked out so she could go with the Onceler to see Transformers 3.

So Thing 2 and I met some good friends at the movie.  The girls enjoyed the movie, and it was pretty cute.  But while watching it, I couldn't help but wonder if the characters were always that annoying.  I don't think they were. 

Because of my warped mind, I couldn't help but see the individual...issues presented by our friends the Hundred Acre Woods, easily the name of a mental institution:

1.  Tigger = Classic ADHD.  ADHD is characterized by lack of attention, hyper activity and impulsive behavior.  Tigger can't sit still, he's always hopped up as if he has had 15 cups of coffee.  He loses things--including his bounce--and he is very easily distracted.  He is a very sweet tiger, but his hyperactivity always puts him into different predicaments, despite his original good intentions.

2.  Rabbit = Classic OCD.  He's overly neat and orderly.  Ever notice how perfectly straight his rows in the garden are and how often he messes with them?  He seems to experience a great deal of anxiety when his friends mess up his house, his garden, etc.

3.  Eeyore = Severe Depression.  Depression is characterized by feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable or down in the dumps.  Describes the little "blue" donkey to a tee, eh?  Have we ever seen him smile?  Not even when his actual tail is found, my friends.  "Oh bother."

4.  Owl = general know-it-all.  I guess this isn't a disorder, but it could be.  Owl knows everything about everything.  His overconfidence is annoying, at best, since he actually is a bit of an idiot.  And yet his "need" to be right about everything seems to result in his constant "put down" of his friends.  To me, I sense a much bigger issue with Owl.  I feel he is still undiagnosed.

5.  Piglet = Severe anxiety.  He's afraid of anything and everything, including his shadow.  He lacks confidence and is constantly afraid something is going to happen to him, to his friends.  Christopher Robin goes to school and Piglet is convinced he has been kidnapped.  He needs to be medicated.

6.  Kanga and Roo seem to be fairly normal on the surface.  However, Kanga is easily described as a helicopter mom.  She hovers over Roo, very rarely allowing him to make his own decisions and/or actions.  I'm going to go far enough to throw out "The Hero Syndrome", google it.  Poor Roo, I see therapy in his future.  Anyone want to bet she still nurses him in an effort to still feel "needed"?

7.  Christoper Robin talks to his toys.  And he thinks they are real.  I think he is schizophrenic.

8.  Finally, Winnie the Pooh. Compulsive overeating is his poison.  He want to eat when he is happy, sad, afraid, alone.  He dreams about honey and its the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up.  He puts himself, his friends in harms way to feed his compulsion.  He even has delusions when he is unable to eat. 
Ultimately, Pooh is able to choose his friends over honey, so I think he is on the right path.

After looking a little deeper at the characters, Hundred Acre Woods doesn't seem so innocent, eh? 

No wonder it speaks to me.

Let's Get Cooking!

It's the theme of our church's Vacation Bible School.  It's been a great week, lots of learning for both Thing 1 and Thing 2...and me this week. 

1.  Naps during VBS week are mandatory.  Daddy took the Things to a birthday party on VBS Day 1, no naps as a result.  Thing 2 cried all night.  She was the only one.  Not sure why parents wouldn't be comfortable leaving their preschoolers with a sweaty "chef" who keeps quietly threatening one crying child.  I'd call it a bonus.

2.  No matter when VBS week falls, it will always be the single hottest week of the summer.  And the AC will go out either at home or at the church.  This year was at the church.  You think I'm joking, but one or the other ACs always gets spunky.  I'm secretly glad it wasn't the one I have to pay for this year.  After all, I'm on vacation.

3.  Not all preschoolers are created equally.  I love the kids at our church.  But VBS brings "other" kids, too.  Many of these kids are good.  But there are always a few...

Parents: if you want to take your kids to a visiting church for VBS, that's awesome.  We want them, God wants them.  But please be sure they know how to act in public, if not church.  I recognize I hold Thing 1 and Thing 2 to high standards.  They will tell you if they act out, I will take them home to beat them with a stick.  Ask them.  Please note, I never have beaten either of them with a stick.  But once they realize I won't follow thru with the stick?  All is lost.

4.  Breastfeeding, uncovered, is not appropriate during vacation bible school.  I nursed my kids, I'm all for it.  But either cover yourself or sit at the back of the room to do it.  It's not our place to explain to preschoolers what you are doing and/or what "that" is.  Also, your child is 9 months old.  He doesn't need to eat every 20 minutes.  If he does, you need to supplement formula.  Preferably during VBS.  Finally, if you can quote the "rules of engagement" when it comes to your right to breastfeed?  You're making it your own agenda and your child will suffer--don't nurse him until he's 5, please.

5.  Food allergies are serious.  Thing 1 is allergic to every food except chicken, oranges and egg whites.  I know a lot about food allergies and I take them very seriously.  Tends to happen when you have to pack an epi-pen.  It's not ok to tell people your child has a food allergy when you are just wanting him to eat organic.  Lying in church seems wrong on multiple levels.

6.  When you get 2 1/2 hours of a free babysitting service AND free dinner for you child/children?  You don't get to complain.  Period.

7.  I asked Thing 1 what she has learned this week.  She tells me "Jeff" has braces and is very cute.  "Super" cute.  But it's ok, it's not like she "wants to marry him or anything.  Do you think he wants to marry me?"  I'm sooo not ready for her to grow up.  And yet it's happening, faster every day.

8.  I asked Thing 2 what she has learned this week. She laughs and tells me a new word: Camel hottie.  And I don't want to know what it means.

What would you do if your mother asked you?

How Do You Do? From Thing 1 and Thing 2

Sooo...I've changed things up a bit.  With intention to make a seriously concentrated effort on the blogging thing.  It grounds me.  Keeps me from pulling out my hair, which is seriously thinning these days. 

I know recent changes won't be popular with my entire crowd, but...I'm a firm believer in democracy.  And the people have spoken.  They WANT Thing 1 and Thing 2.  So here you go!

I will do my best to recant some recent antics in the days to come, but tonight is all about the big unveiling of the new blog site.  Hope you like it!  Invite your pals to laugh at our expense.  Seriously.  Life is too short, if the games Thing 1 and Thing 2 play can make you smile?  Go for it!  I hope to capitalize one day. 

Good luck with that one, mom.